自分の感性を信じられる人が憎い/I envy people who can trust their own sensibilities

センスって、罪だなとふと思う。

つらつらと、また迷ってしまうかもしれない自分を叱咤激励する意味も込めて、着地点もわからずに言葉を書き綴る。

綴（つづ）るだなんて漢字、書けもしないくせに。

I think it’s a sin to have a sense.

I write words without knowing where I’m going to end up, with the meaning of encouraging myself that I might get lost again.

Wait, did you get it?

Maybe not, because I don’ get it even in Japanese.

ぼくの名前はようすけ。

最近自分がキモいと認識した、ごく普通の２４歳だ。

温泉と人と猫が好き。

自分のことも結構好き。今の生活も、人間関係も、家族も、めっちゃ好き。

翻訳したり、写真を撮ったり、物を売ったりして生計を立てている。

この自分語りも最高にキモいと思うけれど、別に構わない。

だってもうすでにキモいんだから。

My name is Yosuke, and I’m an ordinary 24-year-old who recently realized that I’m “Kimoi”(Kimochiwarui, so it means creepy).

I like hot springs, people, and cats.

I also like myself a lot. I like my current life, my relationships, and my family.

I make a living by translating, taking pictures, and selling things.

I think this self-talk is creepy as hell, but I don’t mind.

Because I’m already Kimoi.

何もかもに自信をなくして立ち止まりたくなるときあるよね？

自信をなくす、っていうのは、適切な表現ではないのかもしれない。

ただ、止まりたくなる。

自分が何をやっていたのかがわからなくなって、何をしたいのかもわからなくなる。

画面の向こう側のどこかの誰かが言うように、人生の目標とか叶えたい夢とか、そんな強い言葉を使えるほどのものが何もなくて、辟易としてしまう。

どうしようもなく、何者でもない気がして、立ち止まりたくなる。

疑いたくなる。

自分自身を。

There are times when you lose confidence in everything and feel like stopping, don’t you?
Losing confidence may not be the right word to describe it.

I just want to stop.

I don’t know what I was doing, and I don’t know what I want to do.

I get fed up with the fact that I don’t have anything that I can use such strong words for, like a life goal or a dream that I want to achieve, as someone somewhere on the other side of the screen would say.

I can’t help it, I feel like a nobody, and I want to stop walking.

There are times when I want to doubt myself.

そんなとき、

「自分の感性を信じられる人が憎いな〜」

と思ってしまうことがある。

例えば音楽とか、映画とか、服とか、食べ物とか。

これが好き！　って明確に思って、人に伝えることができて。

迷いなく(少なくともぼくの目にはそう映っている)、選ぶことができる。

そんな感性(センス)の人に、憧れて、嫉妬して、心憎いと思ってしまうのだ。

When that happens, I sometimes think to myself.

“I hate people who can trust their own sensibilities.”

For example, music, movies, clothes, food, and so on.
They can tell people what they like.

They can choose without any doubts.

I admire, envy, and hate people with such high sensitivity.

誰かに背中を押してもらわないと、自分の感性を肯定できない。

それが少しだけ苦しい。

立ち止まる理由ばかり考えて、今日も何もできなくてつらい。

って感情がお風呂の中で湧き上がる、でもほんとはそんなつらいわけでもない。

ただ自分にがっかり。軽い嘲笑と諦め。自分に対して。

みんなもそう思うときあるよね？

というか、多分、ぼくらがすごいと思って、

「自分の感性を迷いなく信じてるこの人かっこいいなぁ」

って決めつけている人も、本当は多分、そうなんだろうけど。

I need someone to push me to affirm my sensitivity.

That is a little painful.
I keep thinking of reasons to stop, and it hurts that I couldn’t do anything today.

But it’s not really painful.

I’m just disappointed in myself. A slight sneer and resignation. To myself.

We all feel that way at times, don’t we?
I mean, it’s probably the same for those people who we think great.

センスを信じて貫ける人と、つい怠惰になってしまうぼくら、その違いはなんなのだろうか、って考えるんだけど、よくわからないんだよなぁ。

とにかく毎日やる。

信じてやる。

信じてなくてもやる。

多分それだけなんだけど、

それが一番難しい。

I wonder what the difference is between people who believe in their sense and are able to carry it out, and us, who tend to be lazy.

Anyway, we have to do it every day.

Believe yourself and do it.

Even if you don’t believe yourself, just do it.

Maybe that’s all it is.

But, you know… That’s the hardest part.

英語バージョン

I think it’s a sin to have a sense.

I write words without knowing where I’m going to end up, with the meaning of encouraging myself that I might get lost again.

Wait, did you get it?

Maybe not, because I don’ get it even in Japanese.

My name is Yosuke, and I’m an ordinary 24-year-old who recently realized that I’m “Kimoi”(Kimochiwarui, so it means creepy).

I like hot springs, people, and cats.

I also like myself a lot. I like my current life, my relationships, and my family.

I make a living by translating, taking pictures, and selling things.

I think this self-talk is creepy as hell, but I don’t mind.

Because I’m already Kimoi.

There are times when you lose confidence in everything and feel like stopping, don’t you?
Losing confidence may not be the right word to describe it.

I just want to stop.

I don’t know what I was doing, and I don’t know what I want to do.

I get fed up with the fact that I don’t have anything that I can use such strong words for, like a life goal or a dream that I want to achieve, as someone somewhere on the other side of the screen would say.

I can’t help it, I feel like a nobody, and I want to stop walking.

There are times when I want to doubt myself.

When that happens, I sometimes think to myself.

“I hate people who can trust their own sensibilities.”

For example, music, movies, clothes, food, and so on.
They can tell people what they like.

They can choose without any doubts.

I admire, envy, and hate people with such high sensitivity.

I need someone to push me to affirm my sensitivity.

That is a little painful.
I keep thinking of reasons to stop, and it hurts that I couldn’t do anything today.

But it’s not really painful.

I’m just disappointed in myself. A slight sneer and resignation. To myself.

We all feel that way at times, don’t we?
I mean, it’s probably the same for those people who we think great.

I wonder what the difference is between people who believe in their sense and are able to carry it out, and us, who tend to be lazy.

Anyway, we have to do it every day.

Believe yourself and do it.

Even if you don’t believe yourself, just do it.

Maybe that’s all it is.

But, you know… That’s the hardest part.